I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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