Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize