he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
