Screwed.edu
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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