help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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