im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
