I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
