Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
