If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
