I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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