he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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