i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
