I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
