I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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