u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
A bitchslap is in order.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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