Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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