Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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