What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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