There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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