: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
