Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
