you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Bring me that man meat
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
