tequila makes me forget i have legs
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
the raccoons are back...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
