We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
