Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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