You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
