Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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