I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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