i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
