have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
