I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
