just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
