i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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