Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
