I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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