it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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