I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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