you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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