Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Randomize
