I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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