i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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