ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
