rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
