After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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