Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
