Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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