I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
