His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
