omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
