Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
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